Happiness is what you make it!

I remember when I came home off my mission, I thought I would get married within a year.  Be able to help, support, and love my husband.  And eventually have a couple of kiddos.  Of course, we would have our problems, just like any normal family does. But we would work on it together and be stronger!  My husband and I would fall madly in love with each other everyday and yet get annoyed with each other and maybe even hate one another.  But in the end we would still love and adore each other.

Well that's what I thought it would be like anyways.

I would of NEVER imagined being where I am now!  I thought I did everything right and the right way.  What happened?  

I'm not sure what happened, in fact I have no clue what happened.  But I do know, everything does happen for a reason.

It makes me so frustrated when people look at me and think "She has got such an easy life".  I know my life isn't hard by all means.  And yes it is pretty easy compared to others.  But I don't want an easy life.  I don't want to only have to worry about myself forever.  Of course its easy when its just me, because I'm the one making the decisions.  So if i'm not happy, I can only blame myself and change it.

I'm making the best out of the situation.  I don't know what else to do.  I'm not going to be angry and depressed the rest of my life.  I've moved on and becoming something bigger and better.

I'm so thankful for what happened.  I would NEVER wish it upon anybody but i'm thankful it did happen.  It needed to happen.  But now looking at my life there would be NO WAY I would be where I am right now if it didn't happen. I've learned so much and I've become so much stronger.

Nights are still the worse for me.  I'm still trying out how to deal with them.  I get lonely and frustrated.  It's almost like a slap in the face.  When I come home from work and crawl into an empty bed.  There is nobody there and it sucks!  The companionship and being touched, is what I miss the most!

It makes me frustrated and mad when people don't understand.  And then just think your amazing and perfect.  Ummm.....NO i'm not!!!  It just makes me want to scream at them and say "Do you not think I want what you had at 26?  Married.  Have 3 kids or even a kid.  Living with somebody.  Engaged.  Dating.  Whatever!  No instead i'm single and have NO social life what so ever!  Not to mention, starting completely over"   That's what I would love to say but instead I just take it because unless you've been through something similar you wouldn't understand.

So the next time you think I have it soooo easy and i'm soooo spoiled...YES I DO and YES I AM!!!  But if I could change it, believe me I would in a heart beat!!

However, I have never been so happier than I am right now.  Except for parts of my mission.  Seriously though,  I am so happy.  It's so funny and ironic how it all happens.  I went from making lots and LOTS of money to minimum wage.  Hanging out with tons and tons of friends to absolutely no social life.  And now I'm so happy!!!  Money doesn't even mean a thing to me.  I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much money you make, you'll never have enough.  I know as long as I'm paying my tithing and taking as many shifts as I can, I know my bills will get paid some how, some way.  Honestly I have no clue how it works and i've even tried to do the math but some how it works!  When I first took on the job at Target, I was struggling big time.  In fact, some bills weren't even getting paid.  I had to choose which bills were more important.  Once I started making sure I paid tithing first, is when it all started falling into place.  I had just enough to pay the bills and a little extra to save for a rainy day.  Its amazing.  I love the gospel and all the principles within it!!!

But man, if I could just get through this silly silly math class of mine!!!  Then I can hopefully move on with my career!  Not to mention my stress level would go down!  If anybody would like to take on a challenge of being my tutor, that would be AWESOME!!!  :D  

no PAIN...no GAIN

I found this cool website that helps you get a "bikini body"!  What SERIOUSLY??  YES PLEASE!!!  

ONE DAY!!!  It will happen!  

It's my second day.  My inner thighs hurt so bad.  I can barely walk up or down the stairs.  Wearing heels is NOT a GOOD idea!!!  Man, this is going to kick my butt!  I worked on my abs today, and YES they are already hurting!  Tomorrow is going to be horrific!

BUT I DID IT!!!

Check it out....8 week Bikini Body Program.  I like it because it tells you exactly what to do everyday.  Not to mention it's free!  FREE!!!  YIPPY...Do the happy dance!

Doing it for the last 2 days, has proven to me how out of shape I really am!  Even though I've been very active for the last 9 weeks...My body's not use to its own strength.  I've had to modify the reps and minutes to what I can do but also be able to push myself.  

I'm not exactly sure why the pain feels so good...but it does!!  When i'm done, I lay on the floor and breath in and out!  It's an awesome work out.  Not to mention its targeting the one thing I HATE the most...my inner thighs!  They will be gone!  NO MORE JIGGLE JIGGLE!!!  That will be an awesome day!

Change "I can't" into "I can" and pretty soon you'll say "I did"!!!

YES I DID!!!  But don't get too excited for me yet because I'm not quite there but I will be!  Because I CAN!!  

The last week and a half have been SO HARD!!!  Nothing was working!  After a couple of days of not seeing any results, I was getting discouraged!  After losing weight every week and then NOTHING...gets you so frustrated!  But I wasn't about to give up because I want this so bad!!  So I just kept at it.  And some magic happened this morning.  The scale was completely on my side!  Not only did I reach my goal but I lost a little bit more.  I couldn't stop dancing around!

So I tackled my closet!  I tried on (not joking) every one of my pants, skirts, dresses, and shirts!  If you have ever seen my closet, you would know there is A LOT of clothes in there.  I was feeling a little good about myself and decided to CLEAN it out and get rid of everything that was TOO big.  I WILL NEVER go back to the way I was.  If any of you who are reading this, need clothes.  Well I have some!  So let me know!  

So my Phase 1 goal has been achieved...now onto Phase 2!  19.8 pounds to go!  After losing 34 pounds, 19.8 pounds sounds so silly but nonetheless just as important! 

So you're probably thinking OK WE WANT TO SEE PICS....So here they are!

I bought this cute top to celebrate!

I wore this dress to my brother's wedding in 2004.

Yes, this feels good!

My pants I wore before!

They were baggy EVERYWHERE!

I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

In 8 weeks I lost 34 pounds. I pushed myself and then when I didn't want to do it anymore, I PUsHeD HArDeR!  I want to do this for ME!!  I am somebody!  I am important.  

Don't let ANYBODY tell you, "You can't do something"!  Prove to them YOU CAN!  Stand up for yourself because you too, are important!  Now if you are reading this thinking, "man, I wish I was like her" or "I can't do what she is doing".  The TRUTH is YOU CAN!!!  I'm not doing any extreme diet or fitness program, I'm just eating healthy and i'm active.  I make sure to do something active everyday.  I just started swimming...which I rather do a million laps back and forth then run.  But that's because swimming is my thing...I love it so much.  But i've been running, walking, swimming, cycling, and weights.  So do what you LOVE to do!  Try different things, there is so much out there!  JUST HAVE FUN!!!  

THE SWEAT...THE PAIN...THE TIME...THE DEVOTION...IT ALL PAYS OFF!!!

DO YOU WANT IT?  GO GET IT!!!

    

It's never a question of can you, but WILL YOU?

Before...

6 weeks later!

Bottom half

YES...I know!  I was DISGUSTING!!!  I had NO neck.  You couldn't see my awesome eyes because my cheeks were so chubby.  I can try justifying why I let myself go but it all just comes down to not caring.  I was hurting inside and I didn't care about myself, after all a part of me just wanted to die anyways.  I had no clue it was so obvious though!  It makes me sad looking at the 1st picture.  Because I knew the pain...but now looking at the 2nd and 3rd picture it makes me so PROUD of my determination!  It would of been so easy to give up after a week, 3 weeks, 5 weeks but I DIDN'T!!!  I'm on my 7th week now and down 27.8 pounds!  In 6 weeks, I lost an average of 4.6 pounds.  WOW!!!  Some of you may think...well that isn't healthy, she'll just gain it all back.  But I can assure you, EVERYTHING i've been doing is healthy.  

I was so tired of going to bed feeling guilty.  I would ALWAYS say "Tomorrow I will!" But we all know that never works out.  Did you know Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week?  Yup we all do it.  But I decided to change it!  So that's exactly what I did.  

I set a starting date, researched, found the right tools, and set goals.  My start date I set was for January 9th.  I made Ashlie aware that there was NO backing down and putting it off for tomorrow!  I got myself as ready as I could be to start this new journey.  I researched all sorts of different products and diets.  The best one I found was the simplest...calories in, calories out!  I keep track of EVERYTHING I eat and even though I don't know exactly how many calories I burn a day...I do keep track of what I do at the gym.  You have to set goals!  Goals are the most important thing you can do.  If you don't set goals then you won't push yourself.  PUSH YOURSELF!!  It makes you stronger, more determined, and successful!  

Something that would always get me down is how much weight I needed to lose.  My ultimate goal is to lose 73.8 pounds.  Wow!!  That is A LOT!!  I would start to feel over whelmed and just give up.  I didn't think it was possible because it was sooo much!  So I broke it down into 4 phases.  1st phase lose 33.8 pounds.  2nd phase lose 20 pounds.  3rd phase lose 20 pounds.  4th phase maintain the weight!  

33.8 pounds still seemed like a lot of weight to lose but it sure as heck seemed better than 73.8 pounds.  So mentally it made me think different.  Instead of looking at 73.8 pounds and thinking "wow, really?  I don't think I can do that!  There is just no way!"  I look at 33.8 pounds and say "Bring it!  I can do that!"  And then of course 20 pounds are nothing after 33.8 pounds.  

I didn't set my self a time frame because I want this to last.  I NEVER expected to lose this much weight so fast!  I'm almost done with Phase 1 and its only been 6 weeks.  I need to lose 6 more pounds to complete phase 1.  So see 6 more pounds seems so easy!  

NEVER GIVE UP!!  I might be making it sound so easy but its been hard!  For example, I hate running with a passion.  But it drops the weight you hate.  So I suck it up and jump on the treadmill and just start running.  I'm not sure why people enjoy running because for me it is so boring.  Even if I was outside, I find it boring.  Its like "what are you running from?"  I would just much rather take my time, enjoy my surroundings, and save myself a couple of breaths.  I do it because I know it will pay off.  But dang, I'll tell you sometimes its the last thing I want to do!  When I don't want to do it anymore, I watch an episode of the biggest loser.  Jillian scares me!  But she motivates me at the same time!  

So with a plan and goals set, I reached out to my parents because they are my biggest fans.  They support me 110%.  I appreciate them sooooo much!  They provide everything I need to succeed.

I got shape ups for work and tone ups for the gym.  YES they work!!  But when I go to work, i'm on my feet for 6-8 hours a day.  I'm not sure if I would have the same results as I do now, if I used them less than 4 hours a day.  But for me they work!  I got both pairs of shoes for $60.  COUPONS!!!  

    

Since I've had an iPhone, I've had the app called .  But I started using it!  Its GREAT!  It helps you keep track of you goals, calories, and exercises.  I love it! PLUS its free!  Also, I forgot to mention my mom is doing a GREAT job as well.  She is down 30 pounds and is almost at her ideal weight.  With both of us doing it, we added each other as friends on Lose It and keep each other motivated.  We are able to see what the other has done for the day or week.  You can control what the other sees.  So its completely private as well.  Add me...sistergordon@gmail.com!  

Bountiful Baskets is how I get all my fruits and Veggies.  It costs $15 for a basket full of fruits and a basket full of veggies.  It is a food co-op so its pure volunteer work.  In Utah, they have locations mostly everywhere.  You order your basket on Monday or Tuesday then pick it up on Saturday.  You never know what you'll get until you pick it up.  They have organic baskets and tons of add ons.    But check them out...bountifulbaskets.org.  My mom paid $60 for all this!  We added on a couple of things.  But there is NO WAY we could of gone to the store for all of this and went out the door with the same price!  It's fun and changes up your food for the week.    

My mom told me she would buy the for me this week.  I'm SO EXCITED!! The Fitbit Ultra tracks your full day's steps, distance, and calories, allowing you to see how active you are and inspiring you to walk more and do more.  It automatically syncs up with Lose It.  So then I can finally keep track of calories out, not just what I do at the gym.  I'm super excited for this tool!!  

So this isn't a diet i'm on...but a lifestyle change.  I know it sounds so cliche!  But its the truth.  I finally broke all my bad habits and i'm going to keep going!  With all the right tools and the mind set, I'm ready to succeed!!  

In a Nut Shell, Track everything you eat, Exercise, and drink LOTS of water!  
 

Now everybody is different...we all have different body types, strengths, and weaknesses.  You are the ONLY person that can determine whats right for you.  But this is what i'm doing, and its working!!  

DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING FAT, IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!